i'm 26 now and i know better

reflections from a november sag

me on my bday last week

I turned 27 last week.

I mean, 26.

I feel like I’ve been 25 for so long that I should get to skip a year. Not that I want to be older, but I just feel like I’ve earned it.

I was always young for my grade because my mom put me in Kindergarten too early. I was also always shorter than everyone else. I work from home most days but on the off chance that I do decide to venture from Brooklyn over to my company’s office in the West Village, my coworkers who have never met me IRL tell me that they’d imagined I’d be taller. I’m 5’2 on my driver license, 5’1 otherwise, and I’ve always felt like I was 30. Even when I was 17, I was 30.

Ever since I turned 25 the voice of my higher self has been talking to me on speakerphone. Most of my instincts these days are…grounded…rational… I told my therapist about how this makes me feel old. It makes me feel old when someone says something that should offend me and it doesn’t. Or when someone is short with me over text and my first thought is, maybe they need some space, and not, I can’t believe they hate me.

Well, I wouldn’t actually say that’s my first thought… It’s usually the second or third. (I’m not quite fully formed yet.) But I’ve found that I’m uninterested in making a victim of myself anymore.

I indulged in the victim mindset a lot in college. It was kind of radical for me at the time. Especially because growing up I was taught to Rejoice In The Lord Always. In college I learned that when Trump becomes president and you find out your Jesus-loving classmates are actually white supr*macists you’re allowed to take it personally.

Maybe that’s not the best example of victimizing oneself, though. I guess what I’m really talking about is the way every time a boy ghosted me, I took it as a sign that the universe was plotting against me.

Victimhood can be a safe space. (I mean this in an emotional sense, of course.) It can give you an explanation for questions that would otherwise go unanswered. Thats just my lot in life. I’m just not that kind of person. A hard stop.

Eventually, making myself a victim became boring. I started to predict my own thoughts before they came to me, and the spiral that would surely ensue. At that point, it felt like I knew better.

The idea of “knowing better” is something I’ve been interested in lately too. It’s a phrase that also feels inherently old. It’s something your Dad says when he’s reprimanding you for some inoffensive mistake you made as a kid. The fact that I’m at the age where I’m saying that to myself feels...disorienting.

But at the same time it’s like, yeah. I do “know better”. It’s like that Tumblr quote that goes, “You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time.” (Am I being completely ignorant by not knowing the author of that quote? Can someone please credit in the comments?) When I read my old journals from college I’m like wow, was it really that serious? And the answer is yes, it was. And now I know better.

Writing this whole thing feels like that Lorde song where she’s like “these are just secrets from the girl who’s seen it all.” And you kind of have to laugh because Lorde is also 26. But that also sort of feels like the point. It’s such a 26-year-old thing to say that you feel old. Many of the elder millenials reading this have probably been laughing this whole time. And that’s okay. That’s beautiful to me, actually. Because like, yeah, I am young. But I’m also old.

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Now for the part of the newsletter where I just gush about all of the things I’ve read recently that have really inspired me.

Starting with Carsen’s most recent newsletter post that I read multiple times in a row because I wanted to experience it again and again. Especially this line:

“It’s winter now and I wanted to be able to tell you something different by this point, but I keep running into myself and my sore shoulders. I’m not at a place where I feel like I want to be known and I’m too frozen to be loved like I deserve. So I’m presenting you with my third option, for now —until I can thaw and come back to the party, until we can talk like friends do.”

This newsletter by Gabrielle kind of gave me short story vibes, but it’s a story from her real life which is even cooler. Here’s a sneak peak:

“My first day there I went for a walk. The neighborhood was right on the bay; the shore lined with mansions, all obscured by tall hedges and wrought iron gates. On my walk to watch the sunset I saw the funniest looking dog I’d ever seen; a stout shaggy creature with mop-like fur covering his eyes and a pink tongue that hung from his mouth like a ribbon. Immediately I bent down, and wrapped my arms around the dog with a disregard for danger only an immortal 21 year old can possess. It was then I first noticed the owner; a ridiculously handsome older man with a mop of curly hair and a smile that easily cost 5x my rent.
Alfred.”

My friend Michelle has a newsletter called letter of rec, which is a sweet roundup of cool and fun things. It’s nice to read because I feel like when I hang out with Michelle we love to talk about all of the brands and home decor and clothes and bits and bobs that we’re obsessed with, and this newsletter sort of encapsulated all of that. (Also “letter of rec” is such a good name, come on!)

So, I’m like lowkey trying to write a novel next year (emphasis on lowkey), and these basic tips about writing novels from Margaret Atwood’s new newsletter were fun to read. Also, my friends Syd and Alex bought me Novelist As A Vocation by Haruki Murakami for my birthday because apparently I’ve been dropping hints in this newsletter that I want to write a novel. (Will report back on my thoughts on the book.)

Meme by Syd

Speaking of books, since we last spoke I finished Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin, which was about, get this, video games. Not usually my cup of tea but this book was really beautiful and pleasant to read. (I’m working on how to talk about books more intelligently/interestingly…LMK if you have any tips.)

Until next time <3