Notice anything new? Yup. That’s a new logo, designed by my talented friend, Leah Lu. You can check out more of her work on her website. There are stories that my family tells about me at every birthday party, Christmas dinner, and family reunion. These are stories I’ve heard dozens (if not hundreds) of times. I know how these stories begin. I know the punchlines. I know the exact moment at which the person telling the story will burst into laughter mid-sentence. The same point at which point I will force a very thin-lipped smile.
weird, transformative, things happen in the back seats of cars- at least for me they do.
there was me sticking the McDonald's fry up my nose- age 3
there was me drowning my lips in pink lip smackers squeeze tube lip gloss, that would ultimately leave me stuck with the label "cotton candy" for years- age 6
there was me throwing a tantrum in the middle of a costco in washington state while on christmas vacation because my mom was at my grandpa's house and my uncle bought me the wrong ice cream from the food court (a berry sundae instead of a swirl soft serve cone) and then proceeding to cry myself to sleep on the way back to my grandpa's house- age 7
or me learning the word "dick" when my mom got road rage that one time near the mall, and then me proceeding to pass a note during class (which my teacher saw me do- i was very much lacking in skill) calling a boy a dick, all because he dared to have a crush on me- age 9
or my dad driving us home from that one family vacation (the one we don't speak about anymore) and saying he felt sorry for the man who would "end up with me," and me still being so frozen in that seat until I wrote it out on paper tonight- age 12 and up until age 21, really
or the long rides that first year of college (no car) that forced me into the backseats of cars driven by unfamiliar men with unclear expressions and even foggier intentions- age 17, 18
but it is also now, graduating into a global pandemic, walking across a virtual stage into a very literal and absolute shit show, a shit show in which my future and dreams seem to have taken a backseat to most other things in my life
so, i guess all of those weird backseat moments - curiosity, vanity, separation anxiety i suffered as a child from my mom, curiosity coupled with rebellion, the trauma and sting of a narcissistic parent's words, fear, and uncertainty, are really all just the recollections of my youth- a very messy, unorganized time in my life where I felt no control, but I finally think I am in the driver's seat for now.
weird, transformative, things happen in the back seats of cars- at least for me they do.
there was me sticking the McDonald's fry up my nose- age 3
there was me drowning my lips in pink lip smackers squeeze tube lip gloss, that would ultimately leave me stuck with the label "cotton candy" for years- age 6
there was me throwing a tantrum in the middle of a costco in washington state while on christmas vacation because my mom was at my grandpa's house and my uncle bought me the wrong ice cream from the food court (a berry sundae instead of a swirl soft serve cone) and then proceeding to cry myself to sleep on the way back to my grandpa's house- age 7
or me learning the word "dick" when my mom got road rage that one time near the mall, and then me proceeding to pass a note during class (which my teacher saw me do- i was very much lacking in skill) calling a boy a dick, all because he dared to have a crush on me- age 9
or my dad driving us home from that one family vacation (the one we don't speak about anymore) and saying he felt sorry for the man who would "end up with me," and me still being so frozen in that seat until I wrote it out on paper tonight- age 12 and up until age 21, really
or the long rides that first year of college (no car) that forced me into the backseats of cars driven by unfamiliar men with unclear expressions and even foggier intentions- age 17, 18
but it is also now, graduating into a global pandemic, walking across a virtual stage into a very literal and absolute shit show, a shit show in which my future and dreams seem to have taken a backseat to most other things in my life
so, i guess all of those weird backseat moments - curiosity, vanity, separation anxiety i suffered as a child from my mom, curiosity coupled with rebellion, the trauma and sting of a narcissistic parent's words, fear, and uncertainty, are really all just the recollections of my youth- a very messy, unorganized time in my life where I felt no control, but I finally think I am in the driver's seat for now.
oof. made me think about my own back seat stories. Loved this a lot. thanks for sharing Brianna <3